Monday, October 04, 2004
it
speakin abt it...she did kinda well for prelims.congratz den.2 Bs which were like 1 mark away frm As..a C and a D i heard.not too bad..gues she made the right choice..a choice of plummetin me into the absolute bottom of a bottomless pit..while propellin her to the roof of the pinnacle of excellence..some decision.somehow, i miss her.sad to say its a one way thing...very one way.
come to think of it ( not that i ever wanted to..) y am i actually so depressed? i've always told myself it was not meant to be..and after all she did i was more or less tellin myself i'l bury it as soon as logic and situation permits..i've even went arnd tellin those who mattered how regretful i've felt for makin that fateful decision last december. irrational..mayb. illogical..definitely.it took away alot from me..and because of it i left ppl who do matter out of my life..for it..for her.hard to talk abt its worth..but it certainly took a hell lot frm me.(i'm gettin repetitive..)
after all its unpleasantness..it took a huge turn for the better..and i was startin to love it..so much so i was startin to think i've indeed made a great decision and it was all a blessin in disguise..mayb that's y i regret so much now..mayb that's y i've been wallowing in my own pitiful hole of morbid suffering and wistful thinkin..wonderin what could have been..
sadly its all 1 way. all the sweet talk in darkness abt waitin..all the tears..are empty in all sense of the word.whenever i see her..she looks happy and confident..independent and content w what she has arnd her..an all-so-familiar cheerfulness..the same thing which drew me to her like flies to rotting flesh..
y am i still hidin in its shadow? y am i still baskin in its near -faded afterglow when its so evident that the "what-ifs" i've been hopin for are never gonna be anythin more den "ifs"..y can't i let go? i hav no idea..
lookin at myself now i can roughly tell y..i've definitely gave it too much..so much at the expense of others that my negligence to others is so evident i've nvr felt more of a stranger den i'm feelin now..and its to such an extent i can't find a possible way to salvage the predicament..mayb that's y i'm still here.mayb that's y i'll still not laugh..mayb that's y i'll still not smile..
when will i smile den? mayb nvr..mayb not till the gaping black hole can be closed w time..or filled w the same wholeness i once felt..i once tot i felt.and it'l probably not happen anytime soon..for i still live in poignant regret of it..
come to think of it ( not that i ever wanted to..) y am i actually so depressed? i've always told myself it was not meant to be..and after all she did i was more or less tellin myself i'l bury it as soon as logic and situation permits..i've even went arnd tellin those who mattered how regretful i've felt for makin that fateful decision last december. irrational..mayb. illogical..definitely.it took away alot from me..and because of it i left ppl who do matter out of my life..for it..for her.hard to talk abt its worth..but it certainly took a hell lot frm me.(i'm gettin repetitive..)
after all its unpleasantness..it took a huge turn for the better..and i was startin to love it..so much so i was startin to think i've indeed made a great decision and it was all a blessin in disguise..mayb that's y i regret so much now..mayb that's y i've been wallowing in my own pitiful hole of morbid suffering and wistful thinkin..wonderin what could have been..
sadly its all 1 way. all the sweet talk in darkness abt waitin..all the tears..are empty in all sense of the word.whenever i see her..she looks happy and confident..independent and content w what she has arnd her..an all-so-familiar cheerfulness..the same thing which drew me to her like flies to rotting flesh..
y am i still hidin in its shadow? y am i still baskin in its near -faded afterglow when its so evident that the "what-ifs" i've been hopin for are never gonna be anythin more den "ifs"..y can't i let go? i hav no idea..
lookin at myself now i can roughly tell y..i've definitely gave it too much..so much at the expense of others that my negligence to others is so evident i've nvr felt more of a stranger den i'm feelin now..and its to such an extent i can't find a possible way to salvage the predicament..mayb that's y i'm still here.mayb that's y i'll still not laugh..mayb that's y i'll still not smile..
when will i smile den? mayb nvr..mayb not till the gaping black hole can be closed w time..or filled w the same wholeness i once felt..i once tot i felt.and it'l probably not happen anytime soon..for i still live in poignant regret of it..
rocked on at 10:50 PM
ª|--Theatre of Dreams--|º